No matter what happens

No matter what happens to the Earth and/or mankind, let's always remember that for a moment, however brief, we had blogs.

So this guy.... (pt 1)

So this guy is walking down the street, right? And he's a regular guy. He's not particularly handsome but he's certainly not ugly. Non-descript sounds perjoraitve in some sense so let's not call him that. The guy walking down the street is neither handsome nor homely yet also isn't non-descript. He is pretty average but not so average that you couldn't remember him if you met him four or five times and the street he is walking down is a sidestreet that runs through a neighborhood in north east Los Angeles called Los Feliz. The street is called Rodney and everytime the guy walks down this street he thinks of Rodney Dangerfield and how much he really needs to call his uncle who is a huge fan of the movie Back to School and is sick or something. None of that matters, the point is this guy - this regular looing but not in a bad way guy who isn't close with his family is walking down the street and he comes to a crosswalk at an intersection and he needs to cross to the other side and there are no cars coming but he stands there because he heard that LAPD is cracking down on jaywalking and he really can't risk $73 just to get across the dumb street twenty seconds faster. Other people jaywalk and the guy figures he might as well and he steps into the cross walk at almost the exact moment the walk sign comes on and he wonders why he's always the one who follows the rules. Anyway, the guy crosses the street and and heads south on Vermont avenue and this makes him think about how he's never been to Vermont and does he even care? When he was ten or whatever he probably dreamed about visiting all fifty states but now it just seems futile and exhausting. What could Vermont possibly have that he needed to see? He was heading to a movie at a small theater that showed art house and mainstream films and smelled like cheese feet. He figured seeing a movie wouldn't do him any harm.

He had no idea how wrong he was. 

to be continued. 

Hey Good Lookin, What You Got Cookin'?

If you drop a fried chicken leg on the ground and an entire garden salad on the ground ants will immediately swarm the chicken and completley ignore the salad.

SO WHY AREN'T THEY FAT!?

The thing is...

There are two types of people in the world.

Those who believe there are two types of people in the world and those who know better.



FILE UNDER MIND BLOWN!

This Post Could Be Your Band

I once complained that I had no shoes
until I met a man who had no feet

And I took his shoes since he didn't need them.

checkmate, optimists.

A parable about work...

The LIttle Red Hen


The little red hen was going to make some bread so she asked all the farm animals "who will help me plant the seed." They were all like "not me" and shit so the red hen planted the seeds by herself.

She did the same thing when it came time to reap the harvest, mill the wheat, knead the dough, bake the bread and etc. At every step she asked "who wants to help?" and the other animals told her they'd take a pass on the whole work thing, frankly. 

Then when the bread was finished all the farm animals wanted some and the little red hen told them all to fuck off.

The moral: Hard work turns people into bitter, petty tyrants who hate everyone.

Kind of a dick, tbh

Checkmate, optimists.

People are always saying "don't be down, lots of people have it worse than you!"

So by that same logic "don't be so happy, lots of people have it better than you."

Checkmate, optimists.

Mission Statement

The purpose of this blog is to tell you that it's okay to not hate your job.

It's okay to feel like you're treading water.

It's okay to 'stay in your lane.'

Sure, motivational posters with stock photos and inexplicably wealthy life coach types will tell you to embrace your inner whatever and follow your bliss and turn your hobby into your career and all that other happy-crappy stuff about how passion will win the day... 

I'll also tell you to go to Vegas and put it all on black and honestly, my advice has a better chance of paying off. Here's the shocking truth.... the vast majority of us are destined to be average. That's not an insult, that's literally how average works.


Here's what I'm getting at. There are two quotes I use as guiding principles in life.

One is from a great movie called LAWRENCE OF ARABIA. An English soldier askes T.E. Lawrence (played of course by Peter O'Toole) why he's such a clown - to which he replies...

"We can't all be lion tamers."

That's goddamn beautiful right there. We can't all be lion tamers. Now of course Lawrence went on to do great things on the Arabian peninsula in World War one before crashing a silly looking motorcycle  but his point stands. Statistically most of us are just going to be average.

AND THAT'S OKAY!

The other expression I really like comes from Will Rogers and is oft misquoted so I apologize in advance for potentially paraphrasing, but it's words to the effect of....

"We can't all be heroes, someone has to sit on the curb and clap as the parade goes by."

Golly, when you put it like that mediocrity almost seems... noble.  

Here's the thing, we here in America and certain parts of England have decided that it's not enough to be average. We're all supposed to be great. We're all supposed to have some deep seeded (seated?) talent and ability that will make us rise above the rest and make our ex-boy/girlfriends really feel bad for not appreciating our awesomness when they could have. We're all one song, one vine, one screenplay, one interpretive dance away from all of our high school graduating class lying to people about what good friends they were with us 'back in the day.'

Well I'm here to tell you folks, the math don't add up. Most of us aren't special. That's why special people... are. 

This isn't bad news. If your'e reading this blog then chances are you have access to electricty and running water and probably snack foods. These are all good and fine things and your life really isn't that bad. It certainly isn't the type of life that requires more than a standard amount of examination and/or navel gazing. 

If you have a job - any job really - you're ahead of the game. Sure, maybe you could rise up in your field through hard work. Or you could make a change by acquiring some new skills and education. But should your walk away from it all and max out your credit cards to make that indie film you're just dying to direct? Heck, Kevin Smith did it and he seems wealthy.

But for every Kevin Smith there's 10,000 dudes with an unfinished film and a 431 credit rating. 

So next time you're thinking about how 'soul crushing' your job is, or how 'unfulfilling' the work is at the end of the day, remember you could be unemployed and starving to death because of the eight billion people on the planet - a shocking number of them are. 

Suddenly pushing paper around in a building with central air-conditioning doesn't seem so bad, amirite? 

A Brief History of Office Work

1950's - Hey wow this is great. I get to sit at a desk in air conditioning and collect a salary for pushing paper around. This sure beats getting shot at in world war 2 or having to steal apples in the streets like my parents during the depression. In 40 years I'll retire with a gold watch and play golf in Florida for the rest of my days. God bless America!


1960's - Sure I have to conform to a corporate dress code and practices while the hippies are getting high in the streets and practicing free love at Haight-Ashbury but conformity isn't so bad, really. I get a raise every few years and rarely break a sweat.  At the end of the day I get to go home to my suburban home, have a martini and listen to my fancy hi-fi. Hey, somebody has to be the adult in this country. Life is good.


1970' - This is fine, I guess. In the grand scheme of things my job doesn't take up too much of my life and I have plenty of time left over to obssess over myself and go to the disco. Plus I'm banging a chick in the steno pool and my wife is too spaced out on Valium and EST to notice. But there has to be more to my life than this, right?


1980's - I will crush anyone who gets in my way in my climb to the top. Also I need my own office so I can do my cociaine behind closed doors. Stay away from my cocaine.


1990's - This office job is crushing my soul. I have to follow my passion. I have to find myself.  Office work is an existential nightmare. I am a unique individual with dreams and goals who can't sit here like a rat in a maze. The one plus is that they don't drug test so I can still get high every night.


2000's - Okay, they've let half my co-workers go in a seemingly random fashion but if I keep my head  down and don't complain about anything maybe I can stay off HR's radar and ride this thing out until the company is inevitably bought out by a foreign entity and my job outsourced to Burma. What? Now they want me to train interns? You mean my replacements! I'm a nervous wreck. Pass the xanax and klonopin


2010's - Please, I beg you, at least look at my resume. I will intern for free if it means I may someday get paid. Come on, give me a shot. I've applied for 50 jobs this month. I have a business degree. I know your ad says I need 5-7 years experience for this entry level job but I promise I'll work 100 hours a week and do anything you ask as long as I can get out of my parents' house and pay down my student loans. Also I need health insurance to cover all my addrall. Please tell me you're hiring. Please?


2020 - Remember offices?